I am not perfect. Deep down I know that's okay. But most of the time, I forget. I desperately want to be perfect. I want to be the best kindergarten teacher. I want to be the best mother. I want a clean stylish house that could be on the cover of Country Home. I want to be a good sister, daughter, friend, wife, neighbor, relief society pianist, and visiting teacher. I want to sew, quilt, bake, scrapbook, blog, travel, and create with the best of them. I want to look like I have it all together. I want to not be exhausted, stressed out, and crabby at the end of the day.
Am I happy? Yes. I have a wonderful life with a brilliant, hard working, and absolutely darling husband that I am very much in love with. I have a hilarious, spazy, beautiful 11 month old daughter that surprises me each day with how amazing it is to be a mother. I have a great job that I look forward to going to every day where I work with teachers that support me and make me laugh. I have an stellar family with parents and in-laws that dote on my daughter, feed us well, babysit for free, and offer unconditional love and very wise advice.
So, why do I judge myself so harshly? Why do I look at other people's blogs and websites and wish like anything that I was half as cool as them? Why do I think that the callings I have are so far beyond me that the people I serve with must wonder why I accepted the calls in the first place? Why do I wish I had better hair, teeth, clothes, furniture, and skills? Why do I feel so unworthy and incapable of doing a good job at anything?
I've come to the conclusion that the answer is not in anti-depressants (although that might be easier) but in an attitude change. My life will only be as cool as I think it is. I need to start believing it when people compliment me. I need to stop stressing out about my shortcomings and focus on my strengths. I need to realize that if my house looked like the cover of Country Home then it would require me spending all of my time and attention on the house and not on my busy baby and meaningful teaching career. I need to stop berating myself for not being the most skilled and creative crafter and just enjoy other people's achievements and creativity.
Today we had the opportunity to have the missionaries over for dinner. We had a great time sharing stories back and forth while we downed the beans and rice that Dan had made to pay homage to his mission. It was really one of the most enjoyable and fun dinners I've had in a while. The Elders brought such a spirit to our home and we all chuckled as Maggie ground the beans into her scalp and rubbed them down every strand of hair on her head. When Dan returned from taking our guests to their next appointment he said that the Elders had told him how lucky he is. "You really scored with your wife," they said, "All the other young wives around here are so high maintenance. But your wife is laid back and way cool."
Way cool. They said that about me. While sitting back watching Maggie give herself a legume conditioning treatment with my imperfect house, bad teeth, and burnt side dishes, I had actually impressed somebody. I guess that my imperfect, low maintenance life is actually a good thing. I'll have to remember that.
9 comments:
Meagan, I have to agree with the Mish's on this one...you can chalk another one up for someone who thinks youre "way cool" and always has...from our flute playing days until now you've been way cool and always will be! Love this post. Love the picture.
I know exACTLY what you're talking about. It's really hard to see yourself as legitimate. I sometimes feel like I'm just faking it with everything I'm doing, and barely getting by.
So yeah, start believing the compliments, because they're true. You're the best, and I actually think that your attitude is really good, so keep it up!
And what's all this about bad teeth??? I don't think so....
Oh and speaking of feeding Elders, we've been feeding the Elders out here, but we're so busy that we've taken them to this sandwich shop that we love almost every time. And they LOVE it. Now one of the elders has been transferred and we have a new one, and you can tell that we've gotten a special reputation, you know, the "cool people who take us to Planet Sub". So now we'll probably have to take them there all the time until we move, or bum them out.
Funny huh?
Ginna, The Sandwich shop sounds great. When I was waiting for my visa in San Fernando, there were this group of old widows and widowers that went to the Home Town Buffet every third Thursday of the month and they always bought the missionaries dinner there. It was my favorite thing. Something different. And listening to those old people gossip was HILARIOUS. Kind of like the group of old men on "Return to Me." Anyway, you're cool. Way cool. Keep it up!
Oh Megs- I want to be like you when I grow up! You have always been an amazing person and I love being around you! I miss you! and I miss little Maggie- she's a doll.
I think that's one of drawbacks of these blogs. I was honestly thinking of not looking at them for awhile because I was feeling so bad. Everyone else looks perfect and perfectly happy, it's so hard not to compare and think how much cooler everyone else is. Megs, you are amazing; I always have admired you and do even more all the time. Thanks for saying what you said, I think most of us feel exactly like you do and we really shouldn't. So thanks.
And I forgot to say that the picture for this blog is the BEST!! I LOVE it! You two are so adorable.
When I was first married, I tried to do everything "right" - canning, making all the clothes, cakes from scratch (your mother thought that was hilarious - but it was desperate for me - trying to be exactly what you're describing). In the end, I ended up defeated, depressed and really sad. What you are describing is at least five lives' worth of being perfect at stuff. I have settled for being a Jackess (I know what that sounds like) of all trades - master of none. Funny, though, hard as it was, I loved my life. And as goofy and slobby as I am, I wouldn't want to be any other place with any other people. Teaching and family - excell there. It's all your heart and mind will ever really need.
I think the blogging world is a good way to make it appear as if you're super happy and have this incredible life... nobody wants to blog about the crappy day they're having! :) I have always wanted to be more like you. Thanks for this post... you really got me thinking about stuff! :)
I love this picture! Your post really hit home, too. It made me remember the one time that you guys got to meet David, and we sat in the kitchen talking with you and Dan, we had so much fun! I can totally see why the missionaries said what they did. You are amazing, thanks! :)
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